We All Fall Down
by cupcakesandglitter
Summary: Everyone has their breaking point. It takes one horrible night for Kendall to reach his.  Rated M for graphic violence, rape and sex. Slash. Kogan. PLEASE read the author's note before continuing.
1. Author's Note: Please read!

Author's Note:

I cannot express enough how dark and disturbing this story is. It is NOT for children, and it's NOT for the squeamish. It contains graphic violence, rape, and sex among other things, including foul language. I've never written anything like this before but the idea popped into my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it. When I sat down to start to write, the story practically wrote itself. There will be times you think the story can't possibly get darker and then it does. But I thought it was important to be realistic, to tell the story through a rape victim's eyes. Sugarcoating any part of it would be doing a disservice to victims of such acts of violence.

Read at your own risk, but please don't say I didn't warn you. Reviews would be appreciated!

Thank you and...well, not happy reading but I do hope you like the story.


	2. Chapter 1

It's a cold night for Los Angeles as Kendall Knight walks home from the movie theater. Normally his friends would be with him but Logan has a Future Doctors of America meeting, James has a date and Carlos has entered himself into a corn dog eating contest. He doesn't mind being alone, the solitude is nice for once.

Being in LA too long must have turned him into a wimp against the cold, he thinks as he zips up the red hockey jacket he's wearing. He holds back a shiver, stuffing his hands into his pockets and turning down a darkened street. The street lights are out, he notes with a frown, but he's not sure how to get home if he doesn't go this way. He walks a bit faster, fishing his phone from his pocket with one hand.

Leaves and gravel crunch behind him, then there are footsteps that don't quite match his. He glances down at his phone, sliding a finger across the screen to unlock it. He stops briefly to respond to a text:

'_Just got home from the meeting. Ordering pizza. You want pepperoni? – Love, Logan'_

When the last of the guys turned 18 Gustavo had gotten them their own apartment at the Palm Woods. They all love having their freedom, but his mother is always checking up on them. She's also always cooking for them, which they freely admit they love. But she and Katie are on a vacation together and without her home cooking Kendall knows they will probably be ordering plenty of takeout.

Behind him, the footsteps stop. Kendall looks around, wind howling in his ears. His eyes land on three figures, hard to make out faces in the dark but all but one of them are just as tall as he is and all appear to be more muscular than Kendall's thin frame.

He takes a step away from them slowly, his face a blank slate. No way will he show fear. The biggest one speaks. "You're that boyband fag. We see you around with your boyfriend and it makes us sick." He takes a step closer, though there's still a good distance between the three and Kendall.

Kendall doesn't know if he can see well enough to run, it's pretty dark. He might trip over something and they'll probably be even angrier when they catch up to him, but it's looking like that's a chance he'll have to take.

"We don't like fags around here," the smaller one pipes up and they're coming closer now. Kendall doesn't particularly appreciate being called a fag but something tells him that now's not really the time to reprimand them for it. He should just run like fucking hell. And, swallowing hard, he does. He runs as fast as his long legs will carry him. He thinks he's going pretty damn fast but somehow those bastards are faster. There is a chain link fence on his right, he could climb that easily. He probably has a better shot at getting away if he does. His phone slides out of his grasp as he fits his foot into one of the diamond shaped fence links. His shirt gets caught when he reaches the top and he curses, trying to rip it free but it won't budge. He tries taking it off completely but that's hard to do with his jacket on and he sees that there is no time to take that off too.

They've caught up to him now. The biggest one grabs him by the hair, yanks him down easily. He hits the ground hard, his back taking the brunt of it. A shooting pain stabs through him and he can't move. He's momentarily positive that he's paralyzed. But then the kicking starts, feet flying at him from all directions and he knows he's got to get up. He pulls himself to his feet unsteadily and manages to deliver a blow to the biggest guy's midsection that makes him double over in pain. He hears the crunch of his phone under someone's shoes and he cringes, knowing he's got no chance to call for help now.

Taking down their leader seems to have really pissed off the other two and Kendall feels himself being wrapped in a choke-hold from behind. The smaller guy is in front of him, kicking and punching him and fuck, he's _strong._ Each blow to the chest and stomach is harder than the last. Kendall spits out a mouthful of blood. Swaying on his feet, he sees the leader of the three finally standing up straight, ready to rejoin the action. Kendall is shoved face-down on the ground and it's over, he thinks. They're satisfied they've done enough damage. But then he feels a weight on his back and realizes someone is sitting on him. The weight crushes his chest into the ground and he's suffocating. He struggles to turn over, to push the guy off him but is rewarded with a kick in the ribs. He hears a crack. Blinding pain sears through him and he hears himself cry out, bites down hard on his own lip to stop from doing it again.

He has to concentrate on breathing or he's going to die here, like this. He turns his head to the side, laying it against the cold, hard ground and greedily sucks in the cold air. He hears the unmistakable sound of a belt unbuckling, jeans unzipping. "You're gonna get what you deserve, faggot. After I'm through with you, you ain't never gonna want a man again." They're all laughing.

But Kendall's angry. He's signing his own death certificate, but he can't help it. "You're the one with your pants down and I'm the faggot?" he shoots back, panting between words. Another kick, this time harder. He tastes blood, feels it trickling out of his mouth. He feels the weight of someone's knees digging painfully into his arms, pinning him down but he's still face-down and they're out of his line of vision, so he can't see what they're doing. He's got very little strength left but he's not going down without a fight. He kicks, thrashes, frantically tries to free his arms until someone's holding down his legs too and his pants are being tugged down. They're talking to him, jeering and laughing but he doesn't really hear them. His heart pounds so hard he swears he can hear it and a frustrated whimper escapes when he feels someone's weight on him.

'This can't be happening,' he thinks. But he's helpless, completely powerless. He finds his voice, tries to yell but there's so much blood he's choking on it. _"Please." _ He manages, and he sounds so desperate, so broken. He hates himself for begging.

They think it's funny. The laughter rings in his ears and he's shaking, the anticipation is almost as bad as what he knows is about to follow. He knows he can't get free, doesn't have the strength to fight anymore. He tells himself to think of something else, go somewhere else in his head. Maybe it won't be so horrible if he pretends it's not happening. After all, Logan lets him do this to him, he reasons. He loves it, says it feels good. But it's not the same and he knows it. He's gentle and loving with Logan, he takes his time and makes sure he's ready. This guy wants to hurt him, wants to scare him straight. He isn't going to be nice about it.

And suddenly he's met with a strange new pain, one he's sure is going to split him in two. He cries out because he can't help it, he's already in so much pain he's lost all tolerance. His hands clench into fists and he's clawing at the ground. His eyes squeeze shut, a few tears slip down his cheeks and he hates himself for that, too. The side of his face scrapes the ground with every harsh thrust and he starts to wonder if he really is going to die out here. He hopes so.

After a few minutes mercifully the pain starts to feel far away, like it's someone else's body. He's so cold though. Trembling, teeth chattering. His head is swimming, he can't think. Can't feel anything anymore. As he loses consciousness there under a broken streetlight his last thought is that he hopes it's a stranger and not someone he loves who finds his bloody, broken body.


	3. Chapter 2

He's vaguely aware of all the noise going on around him. He hears people talking, footsteps moving. He's being poked and prodded and he wants to yell for whoever it is to leave him alone, haven't they hurt him enough already? But his voice doesn't seem to be working. He wonders why they haven't killed him yet and wishes they would hurry.

It's hard to breathe and it hurts to try. He's sucking in quick, shallow breaths. It feels like he's being lifted and he hears himself moan. He's placed on something soft and his shivering body is covered with warm blankets. It feels so good on his ice cold skin he wants to cry.

"Son, can you hear me?" It's a man's voice and at first fear grips him so hard he thinks he might throw up. "You're going to be okay. We're taking you to the hospital."

He feels a needle prick him and struggles to speak, tries to tell them to just let him die, he wants to die. He hurts so bad everywhere. He thinks that even his hair might actually hurt. But all that comes out is a choked gasp and he's struggling for air. An oxygen mask is placed over his mouth and nose and he sucks in the air gratefully.

"Can you open your eyes for me sweetie?" There's a female voice now. He tries, but his eyelids feel weighted down. He's so tired and his head feels foggy again. "What's your name; can you tell me your name?" She asks. He wants to tell her. He wants to be a name and not just some faceless victim. "K-Kendall," he whispers. It's a little easier now that he's got extra oxygen, but it's still so low he's not sure she can hear him.

"Okay Kendall, you're going to be fine. " She says soothingly and he thinks they're loading him into the ambulance now. But the mere effort of speaking has taken so much out of him he feels himself losing his grip on consciousness. "Just stay with me, okay?"

But he goes with it, lets the waves pull him under. Nothing hurts that way.

* * *

><p>He's being pulled out of his dreamless sleep and he doesn't like it, doesn't want to open his eyes. He squeezes them shut tighter, but even with them closed he can see bright lights.<p>

"Kendall?" A voice asks hopefully, and he knows that voice. It's Carlos and he inwardly cringes though he feels guilty for doing so. He doesn't want any of them there, not even Logan. He just wants to go back to sleep and for a moment he contemplates feigning sleep, but Logan would know better. Logan, who sleeps beside him every night, who sometimes watches him sleep, would be able to tell he's not really sleeping.

So he opens his eyes and finds himself in a cheerful yellow hospital room, his three best friends gathered around his bed. He still hurts, but it's not as bad, something seems to be taking the edge off. And then he sees the IV in his hand, bets that he's getting morphine. There's a bag of red liquid hanging beside the bed, disappearing into a tube that goes into his arm. There's oxygen blowing up his nose from a thin tube and he sees more tubes disappearing under his hospital gown. He doesn't bother trying to figure out where each one leads, not now at least. One of his hands is heavily bandaged, he sees. His fingertips are throbbing and he remembers clawing at the ground, wonders if he has any nails left on that hand. The right side of his face feels raw and he never wants to look in the mirror again. Finally his eyes raise to look at each of his friends. Nobody's spoken yet and they're all looking at him with wide eyes. He can tell they're afraid to speak and he wonders how much they know. He knows what they're thinking. They're wondering how the hell this could happen to HIM, their leader. The fearless one. Sure, James is bigger in stature and much stronger, but he's Kendall. He's always protected all of them so how could he let himself be beaten to a pulp like this?

He can see that they've all been crying, though he's pretty sure Logan has been crying the hardest because his eyes are swollen and red. He wonders how long he's been out, but he recognizes the groggy feeling of coming out of anesthesia from the time he got his tonsils out when he was 10 so he's willing to bet it hasn't been that long.

"Hey," he finally croaks and he sounds so casual he surprises himself.

Logan's hands are shaking as he reaches out and takes Kendall's hand – the one with the IV since the other is injured, but he's careful. "Do you - do you remember what happened?" He asks tentatively.

"Yeah." He rolls his head to the other side of the bed, smiles a little Carlos.. "Wish I'd had your helmet. Maybe I could've head-butted them with it." He jokes weakly and Carlos forces a laugh but he looks so scared. "Come on guys, smile. I'm not dead."

Logan's thumb smoothes over Kendall's hand. "You were hurt pretty bad," he starts, all business. "But you're stable and the doctors think you'll be okay." He swallows hard, looks Kendall in the eyes though his are filling with tears. "You have several broken ribs. You lost a lot of blood - there was internal bleeding. S-so they're giving you blood. Your lung c-collapsed." He's struggling not to cry.

But Kendall's got to know. "My face?" he asks quietly. It's vain, he knows. But the idea of being permanently disfigured, of having a reminder of that night every time he looks in the mirror is more than he can handle right now.

"It's not that bad," James jumps in, speaking for the first time. Kendall stares at him for a minute, tries to tell if he's lying.

"It's not!" Carlos insists and Kendall knows he's got to be telling the truth because Carlos is just not a good liar.

"The doctor doesn't think it will even scar," Logan promises, offering a small smile which Kendall returns, but all he can think about is how much his friends know about what happened to him. He can't tell from looking at any of their faces; they're all looking at him like he's on his deathbed. He's pretty certain he's not even close to dying anymore though he feels like he got run over by a truck.

Kendall looks at all of his friends, shifting slightly in the bed and gasping quietly as he does. He wrinkles his forehead, which is just about the only part of him that doesn't hurt. "Was it one of you that found me?" he asks finally.

Carlos exchanges a glance with James and then Carlos hangs his head, and Kendall knows that Carlos feels guilty for not coming to look for him when he didn't respond to their texts or come home on time. He wonders how long he was laying there before someone found him. "No," Carlos says slowly. "Someone was just walking by and they called 911."

Kendall is relieved. He doesn't even want to think about how bad it would have affected his friends if they'd seen him lying in the dirt, half naked, covered in his own blood and unconscious. There's still a chance they don't know the extent of what that night entailed and he wants to keep it that way

"We tried to call your mom, but I don't think her service is very good because – "James begins, but Kendall cuts him off. "No! Don't call Mom." He says firmly.

Logan looks at him in confusion. "You…you don't want your mom here? Or Katie?"

That's the last thing Kendall wants. He doesn't want her hovering over him, trying to take care of him. He wants to spare her from the pain he knows it would cause her to see her only son like this. "Please." He says quietly, and saying that word makes the bile rise in his throat as he recalls the last time he said it, when he was begging those bastards not to hurt him. He doesn't think he can ever say the word again. He closes his eyes, inhales through his nose, waits for the nausea to pass. "It would hurt her too much," he says after a pause.

The others agree, and Kendall can't help but catch a glimpse at Logan's watch. It's 3 AM. "Guys," he says with a frown. "It's the middle of the night. You should all be home sleeping."

They're all speaking at once, all shaking their heads and disagreeing with him, saying they wanted to be here with him. But he doesn't want them there. He wants to be alone, where he doesn't have to smile and pretend he's fine and that everything's going to be the same as it's always been. They look at him like he's their leader, the master in command and he can't be that right now. He cuts off their protests, gives them one of his looks. "I mean it. I'm just going to sleep some more so there's no reason you shouldn't go home and do the same." Carlos and James seem to accept that, and they get to their feet. Logan stays put and Kendall realizes he doesn't think Kendall means him; that he plans to stay here until Kendall is released from the hospital. He tries to soften his voice, his bandaged hand resting lightly on Logan's arm. "You too baby."

Logan's brown eyes are surprised as they seek out Kendall's green ones, but eye contact isn't something Kendall can handle right now, he thinks Logan will be able to see the truth there. So he looks away, down at the bed, anywhere but Logan. Logan's hurt by the fact that Kendall's telling him to go, but Kendall can't deal with that now. So he closes his eyes, not even saying goodbye, and waits until he hears all three slip out of the room, door shutting behind them.


	4. Chapter 3

Kendall sleeps through the night and through most of the next day, waking periodically when the nurses bug him with their vital checks. They're already starting to decrease his morphine and he wants to ask if they're crazy. If anything he needs _more_. A giant bouquet of flowers arrives from Rocque Records, though Kendall knows that Kelly was the one who ordered them because Gustavo would never think to do something so nice. His phone rings a lot and he's sure at least one of the calls is from Jo but he doesn't answer. He doesn't want to speak to anyone.

He's trying to ignore the doctor but she's not really letting him. He doesn't want to be rude, she seems very nice and it's not her fault he's angry at the world.

"I know you don't want to talk to anybody, Kendall." She says as she sits down beside his bed. "But it's really important that we discuss a few things." He stares at the ceiling, not giving her a response. If she wants to talk, she can talk. It doesn't mean he has to answer. "Your initial tests came back negative for any STDs," she says gently and Kendall feels a lump forming in his throat. Without realizing it, his uninjured hand grips at the blanket beneath his hand, twisting the material in his fingers. He doesn't want to talk about this. "But it's very important that you get tested in six months. And if you have sex, it's important for you to use protection until you're in the clear."

He thinks of Logan then, thinks of how he'd rather die than put him at risk and he's not so sure he can sleep with him until he knows for sure he's clean, not even with a condom. He knows Logan won't understand, but it doesn't matter. He'd never forgive himself if he gave Logan a disease. He nods to show the doctor he understands, and she speaks again.

"The other thing I wanted to talk to you about is…speaking to someone about what happened. We have wonderful counselors and support groups here – "

Kendall frowns, turning his head to look at her. "Forget it. I don't need to talk to anyone about it." He snaps. It's bad enough that it happened in the first place, he doesn't see the need to rehash it, to talk about his _feelings. _

"Just think about it." She insists. "You might not be ready to talk about it now, but I really think it will help you come to terms with it.

Kendall doesn't answer. There's no way in hell he's going to a counselor, or even worse, a support group. He can't think of anything worse than sitting in a circle with a group of people who know him from Big Time Rush and talking about such a personal ordeal. "Do my friends know?" he works up the nerve to ask.

"No," she shakes her head and he's so relieved. "It's up to you if you want to tell them."

"I don't." He says quietly. "I want to just forget about it."

But forgetting about it isn't so easy. Every time he moves, he hurts. His back feels like one giant bruise, his ribs are on fire. He can't sit up without a thousand pillows under his lower half and so he won't let Logan close enough to discover that. If the doctor comes to examine him, he makes Logan leave. He doesn't miss Logan's hurt and confused expressions each time. He's pushing him away and it's not like he means to, he just can't let Logan in right now.

All three of the guys are there with him when he has his first flashback. They're all just sitting around talking, laughing, even. It's the most normal Kendall has felt in days and then all of a sudden it hits him hard. As far as he can tell there's no trigger, it just happens. They're talking about the terrible hospital food, which Kendall hasn't even really tried to eat when all of a sudden he hears a voice, and it's the one who raped him. He's mocking him, saying things that make Kendall's face go pale. He wants to cover his ears but that won't help, the voice is inside his head. He's breathing hard and he's scaring his friends. They think he's in pain, which of course he is but this is so much worse than the physical pain. Logan quickly presses the call button for a nurse and Kendall's so unaware of what's happening around him that he can't stop him. He's got a grip on the bed rail so tight his knuckles are turning white and he can't even hear his friends calling his name.

A nurse comes in and increases the morphine in his IV, adds a little something to make him sleep. The voice in his head fades away and his head drops back against the pillow, too heavy to hold it up. His eyes flutter closed and the last thing he sees is Logan with his head bowed, crying silently.


	5. Chapter 4

Kendall is in the hospital for a week before he's deemed well enough to go home. He's off the oxygen and his pain is being controlled well enough by a bottle of prescription painkillers. He's happy to be going home where doctors and nurses aren't constantly bothering him, where he can sleep in his own bed. He's alone in the hospital room; door closed as he changes into the clothes his friends brought him. There are clean boxers, socks, a t-shirt, sweatpants and a hoodie like he asked. He figures getting into his skinny jeans would be too much of a process right now and is grateful for the soft, comfortable clothes that don't dig into any of his bruises. He doesn't look at any of the battle wounds on his body as he changes, hasn't this whole time he's been in the hospital. Logan had wanted to come in and help him get dressed. Kendall might be getting better but he's still far from 100% and Logan knows it, but Kendall refused the help. He's not going to be THAT helpless, he thinks, that he can't even dress himself.

It's not easy but he does it, though it takes twice as long as usual. When he finishes getting dressed he sits down on the edge of the bed and reaches for the large ziplock bag with his name on it. It's his belongings from the night of his attack that they had to take off him in the ER. His hands are shaking as he reaches in and pulls out his clothes. He's not sure why he didn't just tell the nurse to throw them out but he thinks part of him just needed to see them. The red jacket comes out of the bag first and it's caked in dirt. There are large dried brown blood stains trailing down the front. The shirt he was wearing under it is mostly intact except for a large tear on the bottom from where it caught on the fence. His jeans come out next and they're ripped, dirty and he's pretty sure he sees blood, so he quickly stuffs them back in the bag and shoves the whole thing into the trashcan. He remembers the chain necklace and a bracelet he was wearing that night are still in the bag but he doesn't care, he's not reaching back into that bag for anything in the world.

He takes in a few deep breaths, steadies his shaking hands and he's okay, he's ready to leave this room, leave this mess behind and go home with his waiting friends. He's still not as steady on his feet as he would like but he puts up a protest anyway when the nurse tries to get him into the wheelchair because he just wouldn't be Kendall if he didn't. He does eventually sit in it though because he knows its hospital policy and it's kind of a relief not to have to walk that far. He jokes with the nurse all the way through the halls, in the elevator and out the front door and his friends are looking at each other with kind of relieved expressions, smiles lighting up their faces. Kendall wants so much to be okay for all of them, wants them to not have to worry about him anymore so he promises himself he's going to try so hard.

He starts talking on the way home about the pool at the Palm Woods and how he can't wait to go for a swim and how he can't wait for Fish Stick Friday and dinosaur chicken nuggets because the hospital food could never measure up, and the normalcy of it all feels so good that he really believes everything is going to be fine. It's not until he's back in the apartment and alone in his own room that night that he becomes consumed with the idea that he needs to take a hot shower and he needs to take it right NOW. They've cleaned him up at the hospital and he's taken sponge baths there but he's never really felt 100% clean and now all of a sudden he's aware of the fact that he feels just plain dirty. There's an itchy feeling along his thighs, like a million bugs crawling on him and he's getting up as fast as he can, grabbing clean clothes and trying to get to the bathroom before Logan spots him and tries to help.

He makes it there without anyone seeing him and locks himself in, turning the water on full blast and letting it get nice and hot. He takes off his clothes slowly and bites his lower lip before moving to stand in front of the full length mirror. He wants to see, he finally feels ready. He starts with his face, turning it to the side so he has a good look at the damage there. It's had a week to start healing and it really doesn't look so bad. There are three larger scrapes and a few small ones, and they've faded to a light pink.

His ribs are still heavily bruised, dark purple angry-looking splotches that look just as painful as they feel. His stomach and hips were not spared; he can see they're covered in scrapes and what look like bruises in the shape of hand prints. He closes his eyes briefly, trying not to think about how he got those. When he recovers he turns and sees that his lower back is just one massive bruise and knows he's lucky the fall from the fence didn't seriously injure his spine. There's something that almost looks like claw marks running down the cheeks of his rear end, and more bruising. He can't let Logan see him without clothes on, not for a while. There's absolutely no way to explain some of the injuries without telling him the truth.

He pulls back the shower curtain and runs his hand under the water to test the temperature. It's hot, just the way he wants it. He steps in carefully, holds onto the little railing on the wall. His movements are stiff because of his broken ribs. The water stings a little as it beats down on his sore skin but he welcomes it, it's the first real shower he's had in a week and all he wants to do is get clean. He reaches for a bottle of shampoo and doesn't even care if it's James' fancy shampoo as he lathers his blonde hair with it. He grabs the soap and for the first time he's so glad James insisted on buying him a loofah because it makes it easier to scrub his skin. He feels like there's an invisible layer of dirt and grime and he scrubs and scrubs, not even being careful of his cuts and scrapes and he scrubs some of the scabs right off, making them bleed. He doesn't notice. His legs start to feel weak so he sinks down, sitting in the tub under the spray of the water. It drips down his face, stings his eyes but he doesn't care. The blood from his reopened wounds dyes the water a faint pinkish red as it swirls down the drain. He stares at it, his mind flashing back to his dirty jeans in the bag at the hospital and suddenly he's shaking, shivering even though the water is so hot his skin has turned scarlet. He leans forward and dry heaves but he hasn't really eaten enough to throw anything up.

He thinks he's been in there a long time because there's a knock at the door and Logan is asking if he's okay. He can't answer, his stomach is still heaving and Logan must hear this because he turns the knob and pushes the door open, and Kendall silently curses himself for not locking it. One arm is wrapped around his aching ribs, trying to lessen the pain each heave of his stomach causes them and the other frantically waves for Logan to get out. Logan looks momentarily stricken but springs into action, grabbing a towel and coming right into the shower, clothes and all. He wraps the towel around Kendall before doing anything else and Kendall is so grateful he wants to hug him. Logan shuts the shower off and turns to Kendall, rubbing a gentle hand in slow circles over his back. His jeans and cardigan are soaked but he acts as if he doesn't even notice. "It's okay baby, you're okay." He tells Kendall softly and Kendall breathes in through his nose, breathes out slowly. The heaving stops. Weakly he buries his face in Logan's neck. He loses track of how long they sit like this, in the bathtub with Logan's arms around him, whispering words of comfort in his ear. He doesn't ask any questions, he's just there for him. And this is why Kendall loves Logan so much.


	6. Chapter 5

As the days go by the bruises turn from purple to yellow. The cuts and scrapes heal and start to fade. He stops depending on the pain medication which is a relief to Logan, who Kendall knows has always had that fear in the back of his mind that Kendall might become addicted. Kendall hopes that now that his body is healed his mind will soon do the same. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think about that night. He doesn't like to go out alone and if he can help it he doesn't go out after dark. When he does have to go out at night at least one of his friends is always with him. It seems to be an unspoken pact they've made, that they're going to protect Kendall. And he'd never admit it but he appreciates it.

It's when he's with Logan that he feels the most okay, when he feels normal. He never feels the urge to shy away from Logan's touch though he notes he doesn't particularly like having anyone other than Logan touch him. It doesn't scare him, just makes him a little tense at first. He's wary of everyone, even James and Carlos if they catch him off guard and soon they learn never to come up behind him without making themselves known. But now he's curled up in his bedroom with Logan, watching a movie in bed. Logan's head is on his chest, their legs are entwined and everything just feels _right._

Then Logan lifts his head and looks at him, smiles in that way that makes him come undone every single time. His hand brushes over Kendall's thigh slowly, hesitantly and Kendall knows what he wants. He hasn't tried once since Kendall's been home from the hospital and it's not like Kendall's tried either, his sex drive has been understandably MIA. He hasn't really thought about this yet aside from the fact that if it did happen he had to be absolutely sure they use protection. He doesn't know how his body will react –or, perhaps NOT react –but he's not scared. This is Logan, this is his safe place.

So his brings his lips down to meet the brunette's and they kiss, slowly at first but it's not long before Logan becomes a bit needier. Kendall reaches for the remote control blindly and hits the power button, turning off the movie. He wraps the smaller boy in his arms and rolls them carefully so he's on top. He seeks out his hand and tangles their fingers together. Clothes are being shed, hands are everywhere and Kendall's still not scared. Logan's head tilts to the side and his eyes question Kendall when he stops to retrieve a condom. They're monogamous and there really isn't a need for one, but Kendall babbles a lame story about how he drew blood from one of the men during the attack and he just needs to be on the safe side. Logan buys it, he thinks and soon that topic is forgotten, it doesn't matter. Both are only focused on making love again. It's been at least two weeks which really isn't that long but Kendall suddenly aches for that connection again.

They take their time kissing and touching, re-familiarizing themselves with each others' bodies. Logan's fingers trace a small scar on Kendall's chest from the chest tube they had to insert at the hospital. He kisses it softly, brown eyes looking up at Kendall through long lashes and Kendall is overwhelmed with how much he loves this boy. He cups a hand under Logan's dimpled chin and tries to convey that feeling into a kiss. His hands shake when it's time to unwrap the condom and put it on, but it's out of anticipation, it's because he wants Logan so much right now. Logan puts a firm hand over his and takes it from him, unwraps it and rolls it on carefully and Kendall bites down on his lower lip, trying to keep his composure.

And it's still so perfect that for just a little while Kendall forgets about everything but Logan. He takes his time with everything, wanting these perfect moments to last as long as possible. He kisses the dark haired boy, holds him close, whispers how much he loves him in his ear. And when it's over and they're fighting to catch their breath, laying there in the dark tangled up in the bed sheets, Kendall is so relieved that this one sacred thing hasn't been stolen from him.

* * *

><p>The police come by later that week to talk to him and he makes the other guys leave the living room because he can't talk about it in front of them. The officers are frank with him; the chances are catching these guys aren't great. They have the DNA of the leader, the one who raped him, since they did a rape kit at the hospital but none of them (surprisingly, Kendall thinks) have a criminal record so it's a dead end. Kendall wants those bastards to pay for what they did but at the same time he doesn't want to go through a trial. He can't – there's no way he can go to trial without the truth getting out in the newspapers. Every day he fears that someone at the hospital has called the media to get rich quick on an 'exclusive story' at his expense. He thanks the officers for coming, lamely tells them to call him if there's anything he can do to help the case. As he shuts the door behind them he thinks about what his life is going to be like if they're never found. He's always going to be looking over his shoulder, worried that they're coming to finish him off. Kendall Knight doesn't fear many things but he fears those three men.<p>

His friends aren't always going to be able to be there every time he needs to go out after dark, he knows. If the police can't find these guys and put them away then he's got to do something to ensure his own safety. So that if they come back, he's ready for them. Kendall yells out to the other guys that he has some errands to run and doesn't wait for them to respond. He knows at least one of them will offer to go with him but he's got to do this alone. He grabs his coat and wallet and he's rushing out the door.


	7. Chapter 6

His errand takes longer than he expected it to and it's already getting dark by the time he reaches the Palm Woods. It makes him a little nervous but he's at the front door so all he has to do is let himself in. He reaches in his pocket for his keys, but they aren't there. He frowns as he realizes he never grabbed them off the counter when he left earlier. Not a big deal, he thinks as he presses the buzzer for 2J. He waits but no one buzzes him in. He calls Logan, then James, then Carlos but he only reaches their voice mail. They've all gone out, he realizes, thinking that he'd come home before it got dark. He peers into the lobby to see if Bitters or maybe Buddha Bob is around, but the lobby is completely empty. He curses and turns away from the door, kicking the side of the building. He's still trying to figure out what to do when a hand presses over his mouth from behind and drags him around the corner and into an alley.

He's trying to scream but it's muffled. He's clawing at the person's arm, elbowing them, anything he can do to try and get away but it's not working. He should be terrified right now but the adrenaline is coursing through his veins and there's no time to be scared. He's slammed face first into a wall, then someone presses against him from behind and leans in, speaks quietly in his ear. "We were sure you were nearly dead when we left you. Guess I gotta come back and finish the job, huh?"

Kendall's chest is heaving. He's shaking but he's got to think. He can't panic, he has to get out of this. His nose is bleeding and he wipes it roughly with his sleeve. Another jacket ruined. He pushes away from the wall, turns and puts all his weight into a punch in the guy's face. The man stumbles back, momentarily stunned but it's not going to keep a guy like him down.

For the first time Kendall can clearly see the guy's face. He wishes he couldn't because now his nightmares are going to have a face to go along with the voice he often hears. The man is big in stature, towering over Kendall, who is already 5'11. Kendall thinks he might even be taller than James. He's bald, and he has beady little dark eyes. He has a small birdlike nose and thin lips which are pressed into a smile that Kendall's not so sure he likes the look of. The guy is amused by this, it's all just a game to him, Kendall realizes.

The man touches a hand to his face, studies it for blood but there isn't any. "You went to the cops." It's not a question, it's a statement. Kendall wonders if he's been watching the apartment, if he saw the cops come and go. He removes something from the waistband of his jeans and Kendall is horrified to realize that it's a gun. The guy makes a big show of cocking it and pointing it in Kendall's direction. "That was probably a stupid move. I didn't really want to have to add murder to my list of accomplishments, but what can I say? I don't like people who go to the cops." He shrugs.

"I had no choice!" Kendall insists, frozen where he is. He can't try and make a break for it, this guy will shoot and he knows it. "At the hospital, they called the cops. I didn't tell them _anything_." He hears his voice going up an octave, tries to steady it. He has to think of something and fast or he's dead.

"I don't really care, kid. The point is they're looking for me now. What's it matter to me if they add one more charge?" He thinks a minute. "It's a shame I don't have time to have a little fun with you first." He glances behind him quickly, checks to make sure no one's spotted them in the back of the alley. "It was fun watching you squirm and listening to you beg."

Kendall's eyes squeeze shut briefly. He has to pull it together, he knows. No matter what he does there's a chance he'll die but he has to take the risk. He stares down the alley at a spot behind the man, widening his eyes a bit as if he sees someone coming. The man frowns and turns, gun still pointed at Kendall. This is it, he knows. His only shot. He grabs the guy's wrist, twisting until the gun is pointed away from him and then knocks it from his hand. The shiny, cold metal clatters to the ground and Kendall kicks it somewhere behind him where the man can't reach. Angry eyes turn back to him. "You are DEAD." He growls. But Kendall's had enough.

"No, you fucking bastard!" Kendall yells out. "You are!" He reaches into his own pocket now, whipping out the knife he'd bought not even an hour prior, for occasions exactly such as this. A flicker of surprise appears on the man's face but Kendall doesn't waste time. He springs into action, grabbing the man in a choke hold though he has to strain on his tiptoes to do so, pressing the blade of the knife to his throat so hard he draws a thin line of blood. "I'll do it." He warns. "I'll fucking do it." And he will, he just wants this guy dead and gone so he can never haunt him anymore.

"You know," the man says quietly, "Even if you kill me, I still win. Because even if I'm dead you're never gonna forget what I did to you that night. Even if I'm dead you're still gonna remember how it felt when I made you my bitch."

And Kendall swallows hard, sweat dripping down his brow as he puts more pressure on the knife. "Shut UP!" He screams. "Do you think I'm kidding? I'll kill you!"

"Kendall?"

It's James and he's running down the alley toward them, a look of utter shock and panic on his face as if he can't believe what he's seeing. "Oh my God, what are you doing? Are you alright?" He takes in the sight of his friend and the man he's holding hostage. "Okay, just put the knife down okay?"

Kendall laughs, and he's got to admit that his laugh sounds frightening even to himself. "No, I gotta do this. "

James is shaking his head frantically, but he's afraid to come any closer. "No, you don't want to do that Kendall. You don't want to be like them. You're too good for this."

But Kendall's never wanted anything more in his life. "Go away, James." He says through gritted teeth, his arm tightening around the guy's neck until he hears a faint choking sound. "If you don't , I'll take you down too. I don't care anymore. About anything."

James is surprisingly calm. "You aren't going to hurt me, Kendall." He says gently, placing his hand over Kendall's. "You don't want to do this." He carefully pries the knife from his friend and motions for Kendall to shove the man to the ground. Kendall isn't sure what it is about James' voice that calms him enough to listen, but for some reason he does. James plants a firm foot on the guy's back and produces several bandanas, tossing a few to Kendall. Together they bind his hands and feet so he can't get away and James dials 911.

Kendall stands there in the alley, nose bloody, body shaking. He can't believe he almost killed someone. "Kendall? Are you okay?" James asks after he hangs up the phone. He touches a hand to the blonde's shoulder but Kendall shrugs it off. "I'm fine," he insists with a nod.

James looks to the man struggling on the ground, then to Kendall. He offers him a small smile. "It's almost over." He assures him.

But Kendall's starting to see that it's never going to be over.


	8. Chapter 7

Kendall loses track of how many hours he's kept at the police station, giving statements and answering questions. He hates everything about it. Hates having to sit there and talk about things he doesn't want to talk about, hates answering the same questions over and over again. Hates the way the officers look at him. He doesn't want anyone's pity.

James has to come too and give a statement, but Kendall won't talk as long as James is in the room. To his credit James waits patiently out in the hallway. He seems to understand that for once this isn't about him. He could go home, but he wants to stay and support his friend. He calls Logan while he waits, assures the worried boy that everything is fine, Kendall isn't hurt and they'll be home as soon as the police finish talking to him.

Kendall's sitting across from a police officer in a hard metal chair, sipping the worst cup of coffee in the world from a Styrofoam cup. But it gives him something to focus on. The hot liquid burns his throat going down but he barely notices it. He's honest about everything that happened, both in the alley and the night of the attack. He's not sure if he's going to end up in a cell right next to his rapist because after all, he did hold him at knife point. But nobody handcuffs him, no one reads him his rights and soon he's told he's free to go. He needs to hire a lawyer, he thinks. He can't lose this trial and let this guy go free.

He thanks the officers, gets to his feet and tosses the empty cup into the trash before exiting the room. James stands when he approaches but Kendall doesn't say anything. Another officer drives the two of them home, and the ride is mostly silent aside from the awkward small talk James tries to make with her. Despite his mood Kendall remembers to be polite and thank the officer for the ride. As they enter the Palm Woods he starts to walk up ahead of James, not wanting to talk about the events that transpired. But when he gets to the elevator and presses the button he has to wait for the doors to open and James catches up to him. Kendall stares at the wall, his mind racing as he thinks about everything that happened in the last few hours.

There's a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Kendall." Kendall turns, looks up and into James' face. "I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. You did the right thing. And because of you he's going to be locked up, where he belongs."

Kendall thinks the right thing would've been just to slit that guy's throat and watch him bleed to death, though he knows his mother would disagree. He makes a slight snorting sound, looking away briefly. "You took him down, James. Not me."

"Hey." James puts both hands on Kendall's shoulders, looking him square in the eye. Kendall tries to pull away but James holds him there firmly. "You overpowered him, Kendall. You didn't need me. All I did was talk you out of doing something you'd regret."

The elevator doors open with a loud 'ding' sound. Kendall wrenches himself out of James' grasp and steps inside, the taller boy following. "I wouldn't have regretted it," Kendall mutters, leaning back against the wall as the doors slide shut.

"You would have," James says knowingly. "You hate him for what he did, but you're not a murderer. If I hadn't come along you'd have realized that for yourself."

But Kendall isn't sure. He thinks maybe he would have gone through with it. They ride up to their floor and walk down the hall to their apartment. When they get to the door Logan is there waiting, concern and worry etched onto his face. He fusses over Kendall, who keeps trying to assure him that he's fine.

"You're not!" Logan frowns, studying his boyfriend's face. Kendall's nose has stopped bleeding but though he cleaned up at the police station as much as he could his nose has dried, crusted blood around the nostrils. Logan sees that Kendall's knuckle is split and bloody. He sets off to get the first aid kit after sitting Kendall down on the orange couch, but when the smaller boy returns, kit in hand and tries to touch him Kendall jumps back as if he's been burned.

"Not without gloves, Logan." Kendall says quietly, nodding toward the latex gloves in the kit. There's no way he's going to let Logan come into contact with his blood. Carlos and James are sort of hovering nearby watching, unsure if they should leave or stay. Logan looks as if he might protest but pulls the gloves on anyway, then sets to work cleaning Kendall up and bandaging his knuckles. When he finishes he gives Kendall the once-over and then looks satisfied. "There." He says proudly, carefully taking off the gloves and disposing of them. He presses his hands to either side of his boyfriend's face, lightly kissing his forehead. "Are you sure you're okay? I mean I know physically you're all right. But…you know, are YOU okay?"

Kendall takes a minute to think about it before he answers, mostly because he doesn't like to lie to Logan. "I'm sure," he says after a minute. Because for the time being, he is okay. His attacker, who he now knows is named Wesley, is safely behind bars at least for now. He's not so worried about the other two coming after him. In fact he's certain that Wesley's arrest will lead to their arrests as well. He's even almost proud of himself for what he did today. He could have frozen up and if he had he'd most certainly be in a body bag right now. He's proud that even though he fully admits he's terrified of Wesley and what he's capable of, he didn't show that fear today. It's because of him (with some help from James, admittedly) that Wesley is in jail where he can't hurt anyone else.

He shrugs off his newly bloodied jacket and balls it up, tossing it into a trash can and grinning at himself for making it in. Despite the terrible ordeal he faced today he feels like a weight's been lifted off his chest. He looks around at his friends and gives them all genuine smiles. Carlos and James both pile onto the couch with him and Logan and he feels himself being practically suffocated in a group hug, but he welcomes it. He hugs them all back as best as he can, squeezing tight. "I love you guys. I don't know what I'd do without you," he tells them. And he means it. He's got the best friends in the world.


	9. Chapter 8

Kendall thinks maybe his life might actually go back to normal. Wesley's two accomplices, Owen and Will are arrested because Wesley wastes no time giving them up. All three men are behind bars and though Kendall knows there's going to be a trial coming up he feels safe for the time being. It'll only be a matter of time before the truth is out there, and there's no way he's going to be able to keep his friends from attending the trial and finding out everything. But for now it's still his secret.

And Kendall starts to feel a little better with each day. A little stronger inside. A little more healed. He doesn't know if it's because getting to hold a knife to Wesley's throat was a sort of therapy for him, or if it's because of the strength and support of his friends, especially Logan. Whatever it is though, he welcomes it. He starts to think about the things that used to matter to him again, like singing and dancing. Like writing music. Hockey. He stops being so afraid and even goes out after dark a few times by himself, though he makes sure he's got his keys. No, things aren't 100% perfect and he isn't healed 100% inside but he's definitely getting there.

For a while Kendall wasn't sure if he'd be able to hold Logan's hand in public. What happened to him was because the three men were very narrow-minded people who couldn't stand the sight of two men in love, and though Kendall knows that not everyone is like that he's not sure he wants to invite trouble. But he's not going to make Logan suffer for it. So he takes his boyfriend out on a date, starting with dinner and ending with a basketball game. It's the perfect night and he doesn't think it can get any better. They hold hands all the way home and Kendall doesn't care what anyone thinks.

Logan and Kendall share a kiss as they reach the door of 2J, and then Logan gives him that look, biting his lower lip devilishly. Kendall knows what he wants and he's more than happy to oblige. He fumbles with a lock, pulling Logan by the hip closer and pressing a heated kiss to the smaller man's lips. He doesn't care if Carlos and James are up as they stumble inside the apartment, still locked at the lips. He walks backwards, tugging Logan's shirt up over his head and letting it drop somewhere on the way back to the bedrooms. They choose Logan's room this time and they let the door shut behind them, falling onto the bed with nothing left on except boxers for both. The light from the street lamp just outside Logan's window illuminates the darkened room as the heated kisses turn to more.

* * *

><p>There are hands all over him, grabbing him and touching him. He reaches out and grasps a wrist, holds it down and away from him. He'll show them. He'll teach them not to hurt him again.<p>

"Kendall." A soft voice interrupts his thoughts but he pushes it away, focusing on his task at hand. He's got to be in control this time. He sees that streetlight, though this time it's actually working, shining light down on him. He's got to make them stop, he has to so he fights harder.

"Kendall, stop. " The voice is a little louder now. "That hurts."

He barely hears. The sounds of his ribs cracking and the laughter of his attackers fill his ears and those things are far louder than anything else could ever be.

Hands are pushing at his chest, at his hips. "You're hurting me!" A slightly panicked voice comes from beneath him and in that second he comes crashing back down to reality. He's not lying in the dirt fighting off his attackers anymore. The street lamp shining through Logan's window is not the one he lay under that night, broken and bleeding. He's here with Logan, in his bed. He stills, the pit of his stomach turning to ice. Logan is lying on the bed beneath him, lips red and swollen, looking up at him with questioning eyes.

Kendall pants, a hand running through his sweat dampened blonde hair. His eyes trail to find two hand shaped bruises already forming on Logan's hips. One of Logan's wrists has the same hand shaped bruise. Bile rises in his throat. _He did that to Logan. He hurt Logan._ He runs for the bathroom, not giving a shit that he's still naked, barely making it before he falls to his knees on the cold tile and eliminates his dinner into the toilet. To his shock Logan comes after him, confusion and worry on his face.

"I'm so sorry," Kendall moans, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, crying for the first time since that night. He wishes he were dead. He wishes he had died that night, that he had bled to death on the ground because that would be better than this. Than being a monster like them. He hurt the one person he loves more than anything.

Logan is wrapping them both in soft bathrobes, kneeling down beside him. Kendall backs away slowly. "Logan I'm so sorry," he says again. "How badly did I hurt you?"

If Logan is afraid of him he doesn't show it. "I'm fine." He says softly.

But Kendall doesn't think so. It's worse because Logan loves him, Logan _trusted_ him. You don't hurt the people you love. Kendall shakes his head furiously. "No, it's not. Don't you dare diminish what just happened in there."

Logan's sitting quietly on the floor, cross-legged, his bathrobe tied tightly around him. "You went somewhere else in your head," he reasons. "I saw it happen and you just seemed so far away. You didn't hear me when I asked you to stop. "Kendall turns his head away, tears dripping from the corners of his eyes. Logan reaches out and takes a hold of his chin, forcing Kendall to look at him. "But that doesn't make you a bad person, Kendall." He says it firmly, and he looks into his boyfriend's eyes when he says it. "You would never, ever purposely hurt me. You love me and I know that. "

Kendall swallows the lump in his throat, wiping at his eyes. "So you don't hate me?" he asks.

"Hate you?" Logan's brown eyes look sad at the idea that Kendall could even think that. He shakes his head firmly, resting his forehead against Kendall's. "That could never happen." There's a pause, and then he pulls back to look at him. "You were thinking about them, weren't you? Baby what happened that night?"

Kendall feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. He wasn't expecting that question. But Logan's smart, he knows that something must have triggered him. He knows this didn't come out of nowhere. Still, he'd thought he'd have more time before he had to say the words to anyone. He's not sure he can make himself say it. He stares back at Logan, eyes filling with fresh tears. He hangs his head and even though he knows what happened wasn't his fault he feels ashamed. Logan takes his hand and holds it tightly, just waiting. He isn't going to pressure Kendall. Kendall finally speaks, his voice breaking. "I think you know what happened."

Logan nods slowly, tears in his own eyes. He lets out the breath he'd been holding. His chin trembles and he bites his lower lip to try and control it somewhat. "I-I suspected as much." He takes the blonde in his arms, holding him tightly. "We'll get through this together," he promises, and Kendall just doesn't understand how Logan can even want to be near him after what he's done. He can't seem to brush it off as easily as Logan has. He snapped during one of their most intimate moments. How can Logan not be afraid?

There's silence while the two hold each other, both crying silent tears. Logan brushes his fingers through Kendall's sweaty hair. "Think you're okay to go back to bed?" He asks after what seems like forever.. Kendall nods and the brunette helps him to his feet. He thinks that this is so backwards, that he should be the one taking care of Logan right now. That he should be kissing every bruise he put on his boyfriend's body. They go into Kendall's room, because it's closer. Logan helps Kendall into bed and tucks the covers around him before climbing in after him. Neither boy speaks. As Kendall lays there awake all night in Logan's arms, staring at the ceiling, he knows he's never going to forgive himself.


	10. Chapter 9

After the arrests of Wesley, Owen and Will, Kendall was sure things were going to get better. But all it took was what happened with Logan to send him back into a downward spiral. He does his best to pretend everything is fine for the sake of his friends, but secretly he thinks he's no better than Wesley. The nightmares start a few days later and he wakes up with a start in a pool of sweat, his t-shirt sticking to him. He sits up slowly, running a hand through his damp hair. The sheets are wrinkled and half hanging off the bed so he knows he must have been moving a lot in his sleep. He's thankful his tossing and turning hasn't woken up Logan. He looks over at the smaller boy, lying beside him sleeping so peacefully. He looks almost angelic, with his dark hair flopping over his face a little due to the lack of hair product. Kendall thinks he would do anything in this world to protect him. It scares him to think about what he might be capable of, what he might do to Logan next if he has another flashback. He knows something has to change. He swallows hard, fingers lightly brushing through Logan's soft hair, careful not to wake him. He leans in and presses a feather-like kiss to the side of his head. "I love you so much," he whispers before sliding out of the bed. He can't sleep beside him anymore, he knows. And with a heavy heart he begins to wonder if he shouldn't let Logan go for his own safety.

He pads barefoot down the hall to his own bedroom, quietly closing the door behind him and crawling into his own bed. He hopes Logan doesn't wake up and come after him because he doesn't think he'd have it in him to turn him away. He contemplates locking the door but he just can't bring himself to do it. He sinks down onto his bed, resting his head in his hands and asks himself what he's going to do. He can't imagine being near Logan every day and not being able to actually be with him. He can't imagine the awkwardness of trying to be housemates and band mates after a break up. But lately he doesn't feel very in-control of himself and Logan doesn't deserve to be caught in the crossfire. "I just need to know what to do," he whispers to no one as he sits there in the dark. He knows he needs to get better so he doesn't lose Logan, and fast. He just doesn't know how.

* * *

><p>Gustavo's yelling at them again but he's gotten good at blocking him out as he sets his headphones down and exits the sound booth. He knows today wasn't his best, but he's exhausted. He didn't sleep much the night before and it shows. He saw the dark circles under his eyes when he looked in the mirror this morning and he knows Logan has noticed. Logan hasn't said anything about Kendall going to his own bedroom in the middle of the night but he's been sneaking questioning glances at Kendall all day, which he ignores.<p>

"Hey, Dog!" Gustavo shouts and Kendall instinctively turns around. He knows he's the only one worth yelling at today. Gustavo starts to open his mouth then pauses, brow wrinkling as he studies Kendall. "You look like hell." He says finally.

Kendall looks to his friends, who are all preoccupied on the other side of the room. "I didn't sleep well," he admits. Gustavo's been kinder through this whole ordeal than he'd expected, though he suspects Kelly is behind that. Often he sees her shooting Gustavo a look when he's being particularly hard on Kendall. Kendall knows she means well and he thinks it's sweet of her to look out for him. But he wants to be treated normally. "I know it's not an excuse. I'll try harder." He promises.

Gustavo doesn't yell at him. He just nods, glancing at Kelly. "You dogs are free for the day," he says reluctantly and she looks pleased. Kendall is relieved because he's feeling completely wiped out. He still hasn't figured out what to do about Logan but he knows he needs to decide soon. He gathers his things together, walking out of the studio ahead of the others. No one tries to talk to him on the way back to the Palm Woods, but that's probably due to the fact that he put on his iPod and turned away from everyone, staring out the window. He's shutting Logan out again and he feels terrible about it. But this time it's for Logan's own good.

Kendall takes a nap when they get home, with the help of a sleeping pill. It's not that his body isn't tired enough to sleep, it's just that without the aid of the pill his mind won't slow down long enough to allow it. He sleeps uninterrupted for hours and when he wakes up later he's rested, though a little groggy. He stands and stretches, listening for the sounds of his friends in the apartment. He hears nothing except the faint sounds of the TV in the living room. He's hungry, he realizes, so he opens his bedroom door and walks down the hall to the kitchen. He says hello to Carlos who's sitting in front of the couch watching the news.

Kendall's in the middle of heating up some leftover pizza when he hears Wesley's name. A chill runs down his spine and he looks toward the TV, seeing Wesley's picture splashed across the screen. He's not hungry anymore. He looks away, yanking the paper plate full of pizza out of the microwave and sliding it onto the kitchen table. Carlos will eat it, he's sure. He turns and starts back down the hall to his bedroom when he hears Carlos' voice calling him, so he turns back, walking over to the couch.

Carlos is sitting all wide eyed, remote in hand. He points to the TV, though they've started talking about another news story now. "Wow, did you know that Wesley guy was arrested for rape?" He asks in a hushed tone, as if he shouldn't be saying the word out loud.

Kendall's not sure what makes him do it, but he does. He stuffs his hands in his pockets, looking Carlos square in the eye. "Yeah, Carlos. I know." He says simply. There's silence and then all the color drains out of Carlos' face. Kendall doesn't stick around to hear his reaction. He turns once more and storms off down the hall. It's mean, he knows, to drop the bomb that way and then storm away. Carlos didn't know. But Kendall's feeling a little mean today. He goes back into his bedroom, settles back onto his bed and contemplates taking another sleeping pill so he can sleep through the rest of the night. He doesn't know where James and Logan are, but if he can avoid Logan tonight that would be best for everyone. He's still considering this when a short figure appears in his doorway.

It's Carlos and his eyes are red.. He wrings his hands, seemingly at a loss for words as he stands looking back at Kendall. All Kendall's misplaced anger melts out of him when he looks at his friend. None of this is his fault and he shouldn't make him suffer for it. "I didn't know, Kendall." He squeaks out and Kendall feels like the biggest jackass on the planet.

"I know you didn't." Kendall crosses the room and stands before his friend. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't want anybody to know," he mumbles, glancing down at the floor. "You can tell James if you want. I don't know how."

Carlos nods, looking up at his friend with sympathetic eyes. "If there's anything at all I can do Kendall…any way that I can help…" he trails off, spreading his hands helplessly. They both know there's nothing anyone can do.

"Just come and support me at the trial," Kendall says finally. He hates the thought of his friends sitting there and listening to him describe exactly what those monsters did to him. But he knows nothing is going to keep them away. He looks back at his friend and Carlos just looks so devastated that Kendall hurries forward, wrapping him into a tight embrace. It feels strange to be comforting someone else over something that happened to him but it's nice to not be the one needing comfort.


	11. Chapter 10

It's been a long, exhausting day. All he wants is for it to be over. He looks down at his dark gray suit, smoothing out an invisible wrinkle. It's almost over, he knows. He can hang in there just a little longer. He can feel everyone's eyes on him as they wait for the judge to read the verdict. It's making him more than a little uncomfortable so he does his best to ignore it. He turns his head, seeking out Logan, who gives him what he thinks is supposed to be an assuring smile. He's almost positive his testimony will be enough to put the three men away for a while, but what if it isn't?

Out of the corner of his eye he realizes Wesley is staring at him. He doesn't want to look at him but he does it anyway, he doesn't know why. Wesley's glaring at him like he wants to murder him right there in the courtroom and it makes Kendall shudder. He's glad the man is in handcuffs because he's not all that confident Wesley wouldn't try something. Kendall looks away and takes in a deep breath to steady himself, letting it out shakily.

The judge is ready now, the buzz of everyone talking is dying down and everyone is turning their attention to the judge. Kendall's heart is pounding so hard that it's a little dizzying and he's not sure he can get through this. He wishes Logan could be there beside him, holding his hand. He's listening, but nothing's making sense to him. He just can't focus. Finally he hears it – the one word that makes perfect sense to him; guilty. Wesley, Owen and Will are guilty. His knees almost buckle, he's so relieved and emotionally drained all at the same time. He closes his eyes briefly, leans forward and sighs, resting his forehead against the table for a minute. His attorney is trying to congratulate him, but he just needs this one minute to let it sink in that none of the three men can hurt him ever again.

Once he's feeling strong enough he rises to his feet, a smile crossing his face. He's hugging his attorney and his friends as they come over to celebrate. They're all clapping him on the back and everyone is smiling and laughing. Logan takes a hold of his shoulders and looks him in the eye. "I knew you could do this. I'm so proud of you." He says softly and Kendall hugs him tightly. Logan knows how hard it was for Kendall to sit up there in front of everyone and talk about what happened that night, how difficult it was for him to give a play by play of being beaten and raped. But because of his bravery the three men were going to jail for a long time.

Kendall pulls away to watch the men being led out of the courtroom in handcuffs. He's smirking, he knows, but he can't help feeling smug. Owen and Will pass him silently, then comes Wesley. Kendall feels himself start to shake, he just can't help it. The sight of Wesley still makes him nervous. Logan takes his hand and he feels a little better until Wesley turns his head and looks him in the eye. "You remember what I said!" He calls to him. "It doesn't matter if I'm in prison or dead – I own you now. _I win._" He says the last two words, slowly and deliberately even after the officers are trying to pull him away.

Kendall's brows knit together as he listens to Wesley's words, hears them over and over in his mind. It's true, Wesley wins. Because even though his physical wounds have healed, no matter how much time has passed Kendall's never forgotten a single second of that night. He remembers how each and every blow to his body felt. How the blood felt trickling out of his mouth. He remembers panicking because he felt like he couldn't breathe. He remembers Wesley violating him. Wesley wins.

He's crying when he wakes up, and it takes him a few minutes to realize that it was all just a dream and he's home in bed, not sitting in a courtroom. He sits up and tries to quiet his sobs, not wanting to wake Logan who's sleeping soundly beside him. The dream felt so real that he can almost actually smell Wesley's cheap cologne. Just thinking about it makes him choke and he coughs violently, trying to take in some air.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and he doesn't even have time to think before his body is reacting, shooting out and elbowing the offending person in the face, arms flailing out to protect himself in any way they know how. He hears screaming and he thinks it's partly him, partly the person he's hitting but he just can't make himself stop. He's so filled with rage and panic and the room is so dark he can't see. He hears yelling from behind him and strong arms are lifting him up and away, dragging him backwards. A light is switched on and then all he can see is Logan.

Logan is hunched over on the bed, his face a sickly white, palm pressed to his mouth. When his hand comes away Kendall can see blood. Carlos is there comforting him, handing him a clean tissue to press to his split lip. Kendall's shaking so bad as it begins to sink in. James has a death grip on him and he doesn't fight it. He tries to find his voice but it's just not working. Suddenly James swings him around to face him, gripping his shoulders so tight it hurts but he doesn't dare protest. James looks angrier than Kendall's ever seen him, his face bright red. "I know you've gone through more than any of us can imagine in the past few weeks but we CANNOT just stand by and let you beat the shit out of Logan!"

Kendall feels tears streaking his cheeks, hears himself speak weakly. "I didn't know what I was doing. I thought he was…" he trails off, because even he doesn't understand what just happened. He doesn't know how to explain it to James. "I didn't mean to hurt him," he finishes pathetically but he knows that's not enough.

James' voice is a little more gentle, but still firm. "You have to get help, Kendall. What if that had been Katie?" With that he releases Kendall, knowing those words will hit home. And they do. He wants to think he could never put his hands on Katie, but he's just not sure of what he's capable of anymore. Never in a million years would he ever have thought he could hit Logan, either. He has to stop this, has to get help. Kendall watches helplessly as Carlos and James lead Logan out of the room. Logan won't even look at him, not even when Kendall softly calls his name and that kills him.

* * *

><p>Kendall can't stand being treated like a monster, but even more than that he can't stand the fact that he knows he <em>is <em>one. Only a monster could hurt the person they love, not only once but twice. James and Carlos sleep in Logan's room with him for the next few days and the silence in the house is more than he can take. James and Carlos speak to him in passing but Logan doesn't even come out of his room long enough to speak to Kendall. He's not sure if that's Logan's choice or if James and Carlos are enforcing it. They even arrange with Gustavo for Kendall to record and rehearse at different times than the rest of the band and that hurts most of all, that they don't even trust him enough to go into the studio with him. That they don't want to be anywhere near him. He feels extremely lonely, but even worse, he feels alone.

He sinks down onto the orange couch, picking up the TV remote. He used to long for quiet sometimes when the house got chaotic – which was often with three other guys living in the house with him. Now he'd do anything for it. Now he wants to hear Carlos sliding down the swirly slide, or Logan giving him countless boring facts about things he couldn't care less about. He wants to see James do "the face". He's that desperate to have his friends back. He watches some mindless TV, trying to take his mind off of everything. So he soaks up celebrity gossip, something he's never cared about before. He still doesn't, but there isn't much else on except some reruns and boring cartoons.

"Breaking news!" Announces the woman on TV and Kendall shoots straight up when he sees his face on the screen. There's a paparazzi picture of him leaving the hospital weeks ago, all bruised and battered, which shocks him because he hadn't seen any cameras. He'd had no idea anyone even knew he was in the hospital aside from his friends. "We've learned that Big Time Rush member Kendall Knight was attacked last month. The 18 year old singer was beaten and raped by – " Kendall doesn't wait to hear the rest. He grabs the remote quickly, turning off the TV. He feels clammy and his chest feels tight. He's going to be sick, he thinks. He leans forward, his head in his hands as he waits for the dizziness and nausea to pass. One of his worst fears has come true. The entire world knows his horrible secret.


	12. Chapter 11

Kendall's still reeling from the news that his attack has made national headlines when his cell phone rings. He doesn't want to answer it until he sees that it's his mother. Although he can't talk to her about any of this since she still doesn't know what happened, he thinks that just hearing her voice will calm him. He breathes in and out slowly once or twice, trying to compose himself before he answers. "Hey Mom!" He's amazed at his own ability to sound so calm.

She's crying though, he realizes. "It's not true, is it? Tell me they're wrong."

He swallows hard. She's been watching the news while on her vacation. He only prays Katie wasn't watching with her. "Mom, I..." his hesitation is enough for her to know it is indeed true. There's silence while she cries harder, and then she speaks again, clearly trying to pull herself together.

"Oh baby, why didn't you call me? I would have been on the first plane home. Katie and I are on our way to the airport right now."

"Mom, really, there's no need. I'm fine now. I promise. I didn't want you and Katie to…to see me after the attack." He says quietly. "I didn't want anybody to know."

"But I'm _your mother._ I should have been there." He feels horrible, she sounds so distraught and this is exactly what he was trying to save her from. He tangles a hand in his own hair, pulling at it slightly out of frustration.

"You know I love you more than anything, right? You and Katie. But I didn't want to see anybody. Not even Logan," he tells her, hoping she'll understand. And she does. She knows what Logan means to him, knows how bad it must have been if he didn't even want to see him. She seems to be calming down now, and he's relieved. He doesn't really know how to comfort her right now, with everything that's going on. They talk a little longer, with him assuring her that he's doing better and the men responsible for what happened are in jail. By the time they hang up he's convinced her that it might actually be better if she stayed away with Katie.

He misses his mom, and he misses his little sister. But the need to protect them is so much stronger now that he's begun to lash out at the people he loves. He's already struggling with what he's done to Logan, he doesn't know how he'd live with himself if he hurt his mother or Katie.

Kendall's watching a movie on TV when the guys come home from the studio. He's trying his best to focus on it and get his mind off everything, but he's secretly relieved when his friends come through the door. Unless they all barricade themselves in Logan's bedroom again there won't be that awful silence he's come to hate.

Carlos and James mumble a hello, though Carlos catches his eye and holds his gaze for a minute before looking away. Logan doesn't say anything as he shrugs off his jacket. Kendall stands up and looks hopefully at his friends. "I made dinner. Nothing fancy, just spaghetti."

The three exchange glances. "We got burgers before we came home," Carlos says apologetically. Logan grabs a bottle of water from the fridge before starting to his bedroom, but Kendall calls out to him. "Logan."

Logan freezes, looks to James and then looks at Kendall hesitantly. His lip is still a little swollen, and it causes Kendall physical pain knowing that he did that to the man he loves. He's angry at himself for sleeping in the bed with Logan that night. He'd gone against his better judgment and had given in when Logan came and curled up in the bed with him. He realizes now he shouldn't have allowed it. After what he'd done the last time they shared a bed, he knew better.

"Please just talk to me," Kendall begs. There's a lump in his throat as he looks back at Logan, who can't even look him in the eye. He feels like he's losing everything and everyone and he doesn't know what to do. "I'm so sorry Logan. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"That's what you said last time too," Logan says quietly and Kendall can see James stiffen and look from Kendall to Logan. It's clear Logan hasn't told him about the previous time. "I know you didn't mean to do it, but until you get some help I just…we can't be together, Kendall." He speaks the words gently but it's still like a knife has just gone through Kendall's heart.

"I-I will, I'll get help," he promises, crossing the room to try and get closer but Logan backs away and he knows he's earned that kind of reaction but it still hurts. "I'll make a few phone calls right now, just please don't leave me." His voice breaks at the end, and he hates how pathetic he sounds. He'd promised himself he'd never beg ever again in his life but this is worth begging. He can't lose Logan. He just can't.

Logan puts up a hand to stop him, and Kendall can see this isn't easy for him either. He's biting his lip and he looks like he might be close to tears, just as Kendall is. "This is the way it has to be until you've been seeing someone for a while. Until I know you aren't…violent anymore." He speaks the word 'violent' softly. Kendall's never thought of himself as violent, even now. He's always been the peacemaker of the group and he's never been a fighter. But he can't deny that twice now he's hurt Logan to the point of leaving marks on his body.

Kendall looks away, nodding. There are unshed tears in his eyes threatening to spill over but he doesn't want to give any of them the satisfaction of seeing. He kind of hates them all right now because he feels completely abandoned. Why can't they understand how hard he's trying? He thinks of spending his nights alone, without being able to hold Logan. He thinks of going to Rocque Records day after day and recording without his friends. He thinks of how lonely the past few days have been and how lonely the near future is going to be. He knows that even if he gets help tomorrow he's not going to get better overnight, and the thought of living his life this way is more than he can take.

Kendall Knight has never been weak, but one can only take so much before they break.


	13. Chapter 12

That night Kendall tosses and turns in his bed. The house is too quiet and he finds himself listening to the sound of cars driving by outside his window. He hears someone come out of the bathroom and he knows just by the sound of the footsteps that it's Logan. He can just tell. He holds his breath, hopes that Logan will stop in for a second, even if just to say goodnight. But the footsteps don't stop until they reach Logan's bedroom and then the door shuts. Kendall sighs and rolls over on his side, closing his eyes and trying to get some sleep.

He watches the clock all night, counts the hours that pass by. His body is tired and eyelids are heavy but he just can't sleep. He remembers the sleeping pills he has, gets out of bed and finds the bottle, shaking one into his hand. He's got to get at least a little sleep, he has to be at Rocque Records early in the morning. He swallows the pill dry and then gets back into bed, waits for it to kick in. It takes a while but to his relief sleep finally takes over, allowing his exhausted body to rest.

Even with the help of a sleeping pill it's still not a restful sleep. Rarely does Kendall make it through the night without a nightmare these days and tonight is no different. Most nights the dream is the same; he relives his horrific attack over and over again. Other nights the dream is different and Wesley's got him cornered in that alley or sometimes he's even breaking into 2J.

It doesn't matter how unrealistic the dreams may be, or even that they're only dreams. They feel so real, so vivid. He can smell the cologne of his attackers, hear the gravel crunch beneath their feet, feel the dirt beneath him. Usually the dreams don't last too long before he wakes up and realizes he's safe in his own bed. But every now and then, like tonight, the nightmare takes a hold of him and doesn't let go.

When he's finally able to shake free of the bad dream he wakes up in a cold sweat, legs all tangled up in the sheets of the bed. He runs a hand through his sweaty hair, takes a minute to calm himself and try to remind himself that he's okay. It never gets easier, no matter how much time passes, no matter how many nightmares he has. He doesn't want to be alone right now but he has no choice. For a minute he contemplates going down the hall to Carlos' room. Carlos is too kind to turn him away, he knows. But then he feels guilty for even thinking of putting Carlos in that position. Not only would James and Logan probably be angry with him for letting Kendall into his room, but he'd also be putting his friend at risk. He doesn't want to hurt anybody else, especially not Carlos. So he stays put.

He sits back against the headboard of his bed, tucking his knees to his chest as he looks out his bedroom window. He thinks about losing Logan and there's an ache in his chest. It's like there's an actual part of him missing. He knows if Logan were here he'd stay up with him all night talking to him and that would make everything feel a little better. But no one's here, and he has no one to turn to. His three best friends in the world have turned their back on him and he doesn't know how to make them understand he needs them now more than ever.

The sky is beginning to get lighter, and the first sight of morning usually makes him feel a little better. But not now, not today. He thinks about going to the studio in a few hours and going through the motions, pretending he's not breaking down inside. He knows he can't do it anymore. He isn't okay. Everything's not fine. He can't even close his eyes without seeing Wesley's face, hearing his voice. He hit Logan, his friends are afraid to be anywhere near him. And now the world knows his humiliating secret.

He's tired. His body's tired, and his mind is tired. That fire he's always had deep within him has burned out. He feels like he has nothing left. All he wants is some peace for his weary mind and body. So he rises from the bed and picks up the bottle of sleeping pills from his dresser. With shaking hands he dumps a handful of pills into his palm, staring down at them. He inhales through his nose, breathes out slowly and then pops the pills into his mouth. He swallows them quickly, shakes out another handful and does this over and over until the pills are gone. Tossing the empty bottle to the floor he slips back onto the bed. He's so tired, he thinks. But it's almost over. Soon he can rest. He lays down on his side, facing the window because he wants to watch the sun rise. It's an orangey-pink and he thinks it might possibly be the prettiest sunset he's ever seen. His eyelids want to close but he wants to see the sunrise a little longer. His hand stretches out and closes over his cell phone. His hands are trembling now, he's getting so weak. He knows he's getting that much closer. But he's not afraid. He welcomes it. He drags the phone closer to him and slides the touch screen to unlock it. The wallpaper picture is of him and Logan. He swallows the lump in his throat, tears filling his eyes. _Logan_. He's never going to see that smile again, those dimples. He's never going to look in those deep brown eyes again, or hear his voice again. "I love you, Logie." He whispers just before his eyes close.


	14. Chapter 13

Logan hesitates just outside Kendall's door. It's pretty early but Kendall should be awake already and getting dressed to go to Rocque Records. He listens for signs that either James or Carlos is awake but hears only silence. He doesn't want them to know he's going to talk to Kendall. They wouldn't understand. He knows Kendall has done some pretty scary things lately but Logan's still not afraid of him, even if he should be. He knows he did the right thing by telling Kendall they can't be together right now, but he needs Kendall to know how much he loves him and that he's going to be here for him no matter what.

He knocks as softly as he can, still nervous about waking up the others. He's going to talk to them later, he promises himself. He thinks the way they're treating Kendall is a little unfair. There's no answer, so he pushes the door open slowly. Kendall can't have left for the studio already, it's too early. He has to smile when he sees Kendall still in bed, sleeping through the sound of his alarm clock beeping. With a shake of his head Logan crosses the room and turns it off. He knows Kendall's been having trouble sleeping so he's glad he's finally getting some much needed rest, even if he does have to wake him.

"Kendall." He calls out, walking over to the side of the bed and shaking his shoulder gently. When Kendall doesn't respond he frowns and shakes him a little harder. "Kendall, come on." He says a little more firmly, pressing his hand to Kendall's cheek. It's damp with sweat, and upon looking more closely at Kendall something about him just doesn't seem right. Logan's heart starts to sink. He ducks his head down, listening for breath as his eyes scan Kendall's face. "Oh God. Someone help! Kendall's not breathing!" He begins to scream, feeling desperately for a pulse along Kendall's neck and wrist. He's panicking. As a future doctor he should know what to do, he should have been able to spring into action and do something. But maybe this is why they don't let doctors treat people they're close to, maybe it's not unusual to freeze up the way he's doing right now. He takes a step back from the bed, nearly tripping on an empty pill bottle. He bends down and picks it up with trembling hands, sees that it's a bottle of sleeping pills and he wants to vomit when he realizes what's happened.

James comes running in, followed by Carlos. "He's not breathing!" Logan cries. "He took the whole bottle of sleeping pills." He feels helpless but it's like there's a force holding him back. James, however, takes action.

"Carlos, call 911!" James yells out, getting onto the bed quickly and rolling Kendall to his back. He tips the blonde's head back, pinching his nose and giving him two rescue breaths. He leans in, listens for any sign of Kendall breathing but there's none. "Logan, I need you," James says urgently and Logan doesn't have time to think about it. He drops the pill bottle to the floor and springs forward, getting onto the bed and beginning the chest compressions. He's crying, he realizes about three compressions in, and so is James. "God dammit Kendall," James mutters between breaths, the tears rolling down his pink cheeks. "Come back to us, please."

Carlos comes back into the room but he stays far near the doorway, pressed against the wall as if he wants to just disappear into it. He's making little sniffling sounds, every now and then a heart-wrenching sob making its way out. "Please baby," Logan begs through his tears. "Please don't leave me." But their efforts seem to be doing no good.

"He's gone," James says quietly, looking up at Logan, but the smaller boy won't accept that.

"NO," he screams. "We need to keep trying. I know I found him in time, he isn't even cold yet." Logan will never stop, he thinks. The paramedics will have to physically pull him away. But there's no way he's going to let Kendall be dead. He hears banging at the front door and Carlos slips away to let the paramedics in. James hangs his head but Logan keeps going, begging Kendall . "Please baby, please just breathe. I love you so much, don't you leave me." He can't even see, his vision is so blurred from all his tears but he feels himself being gently pulled away from the bed, recognizes the tan fingers wrapped around his wrist and knows its Carlos.

James moves away too and they let the paramedics work. Logan's shaking hand is pressed to his mouth and James and Carlos both wrap their arms tightly around him as they stand back and watch. Logan prays that they're able to get Kendall back, or even better, that this is just a horrible nightmare he'll wake up from.

"This can't be happening," Carlos moans. "I should have been there for him. I shouldn't have let him be alone."

"We didn't know," James whispers, staring at the scene in front of him in shock. "We didn't know he would do this." But he feels guilty. He should have known Kendall was in a fragile state. He knows that their actions as of late must have pushed him over the edge. Now Kendall's dead and it's all their fault.

Logan cries harder as he watches the paramedics at work. It's so hard for him to see this, to know Kendall's life is in their hands. James gently turns his friend away, knowing it's better if he doesn't watch. It feels like forever until they announce they have a faint pulse and Kendall is finally loaded onto the stretcher. Logan knows not to get his hopes up, that it doesn't mean much at this point. Kendall's pulse is too weak and they don't think he will even make it to the hospital.

Logan rides in the ambulance with Kendall and James and Carlos drive to the hospital. None of it feels real. Logan sits there in a daze beside Kendall's stretcher, holding his lifeless hand. He's busy talking to God, making all these promises he fully intends to keep if God would just let Kendall make it through this when he hears the commotion begin around him and he doesn't even need to look up to know; Kendall's heart has stopped.


	15. Chapter 14

The three boys are silent as they sit in the waiting room. There's a TV playing and though they all stare at the screen not one of them can actually focus. They're all thinking about Kendall, praying the skilled doctors are able to work some kind of magic and bring Kendall back to them. Logan's got his arms wrapped around his chest tightly like it hurts; and it does. He's not even sure if it's an actual physical pain from crying so hard or if it's because his heart is breaking a million times over.

He thinks about how horrible Kendall looked, how his pale skin was almost a shade of gray, how dark the circles under his eyes were. He remembers thinking how thin Kendall looked when he found him in bed and is horrified that none of them had noticed these things before. Maybe they could have stopped things from getting this bad if they had just opened their eyes a little more. Now it might be too late.

Hours pass and they receive no news. Logan is starting to get hopeful because if Kendall's not alive and breathing it wouldn't take that long to step out into the waiting room and just say that he didn't make it, right? He hopes his line of thinking is correct because he can't even begin to imagine his life without Kendall.

He's pacing and he's bitten down all of his fingernails, he's that anxious. Just when he doesn't think he can take anymore waiting a doctor comes through the door and starts right for them. Logan exchanges a glance with James and Carlos. He's scared to hear what the doctor has to say because this is it; either Kendall's alive or he's gone.

"We were able to get Kendall back," the doctor begins, and Logan draws in a shuddering breath, reaching out for Carlos to steady himself. He's so relieved he wants to cry. "He's stable and he's doing well. We're waiting on some test results and won't know if there's any permanent damage done until those come back, but as of right now we don't see any signs of that."

Logan's brown eyes are hopeful as he looks back at the doctor. "So…you think Kendall's going to be fine then?"

The doctor offers a smile, but it's guarded. "I think he's most likely going to make a full physical recovery. But the issue we can't ignore is that this was a suicide attempt. Now, I see in his records he survived a brutal attack recently so while this isn't coming completely out of nowhere he's going to have to have a psychiatric evaluation before we can release him. If he's at risk to try this again we'll have to have him committed to the psychiatric ward."

Logan's eyes close briefly. He had known this was a huge possibility if Kendall survived the overdose. He wants to yell at the doctor that no, Kendall doesn't need any of that, that he can come home and he and the others will take care of Kendall, will watch him and keep him safe. But his heart feels heavy as he realizes that he fully agrees with the doctor's words. Kendall's barely eating or sleeping, he has nightmares and sometimes hallucinations, and he's become violent and now even suicidal. There's nothing that any of them can do for him anymore.

"He needs help badly," Logan admits sadly, looking down at his hands.

The doctor gives him a sympathetic look and nods slowly. "We will make sure he gets it," he says gently. Logan feels like he's betraying Kendall, but he knows this is the best thing he can do for the man he loves.

* * *

><p>As he finds his way back to consciousness the first thing he hears is incessant beeping. 'God, I've got to get up and shut that alarm clock off,' he thinks. 'I'll be late for the studio.' But as his green eyes open he realizes he is not home in bed, but in the hospital and the beeping is coming from a heart monitor, not his alarm clock. He blinks slowly, allowing his eyes a minute to focus as it all comes back to him. The pills. He'd taken a large amount of sleeping pills and they clearly have failed him.<p>

He isn't sure what to think as he looks around the room. Should he be disappointed that his suicide attempt has gone awry and he's still here, still alive? He knows what he now has to face, he can't just shove this under the rug and go on like it had never happened. Slowly he reaches up a hand, punctured by an IV, and brushes it through his hair. God, what has he done? What must he have put his friends through?

He's sore as hell, he realizes. His chest hurts, which he finds pretty odd, but it hurts enough to make him want to stay completely still. His stomach feels bruised and he's nauseous. His throat feels raw and he has the feeling that if he tries to talk he's going to sound like shit. But despite the pain he's in he knows that's all his own fault and he doesn't care about it right now. All he cares about is his friends. Are they okay? Do his mom and Katie know?

As his head is spinning with all the thoughts racing through his mind three familiar faces step through the doorway and Kendall isn't sure what to say to them. Do they hate him for what he's done? Do they think it was just a cry for attention? He doesn't have to even speak though, as Logan comes rushing forward and wraps his arms around him. Kendall returns the gesture, eyes closing as he relishes the feeling of holding the small brunette in his arms again.

Logan pulls back a minute later, his eyes wet with tears. "Don't you ever do that again, Kendall Knight." He's trying to be angry but he's failing miserably, Kendall thinks. He locks eyes with Kendall, his expression serious. "I mean it."

Kendall looks back into Logan's eyes, then briefly to James and Carlos. "I promise you all that it will never happen again." His voice is hoarse as he speaks, but he needs them to know. He's thinking far more clearly than he was last night and he sees how horrible his mistake was. He was at an all time low, and he let that get the best of him. He felt vulnerable, desperate and alone. So he tried to end his suffering the only way he knew how. He sees now that he's never really going to be alone, he always has options. He was so stupid. "I was having a really bad night and I was just…exhausted. Mentally and physically, you know? I just wanted to end it all." He looks down at his hands. "I'm going to get help though and I'm going to be okay. Just don't give up on me." His eyes are pleading with his friends as he looks to the three of them.

Carlos frowns and shakes his head, placing a hand on Kendall's arm. "I am so sorry we turned our backs on you when you needed us. We should have done more."

"I'm sorry too," James pipes up and Logan is staring down at the floor. He looks back up at Kendall slowly. His eyes are red and Kendall can see how distraught he is, how rough his day has been.

"I lost you twice today, Kendall." He says softly. "When I found you, you weren't breathing. I felt like my world had stopped spinning." He holds Kendall's hand, squeezing it gently. "The paramedics got you back and then lost you again in the ambulance. I was sitting right there beside you, holding your hand when you flat lined. I felt like a part of me was dying with you. I know it's selfish but please don't do that to me again. I don't think I can take it. I really need you to keep your word on this."

Kendall swallows hard, biting his lip. "Oh Logan. I'm so sorry." He sees now he hasn't been the only one hurting all this time. That Logan's been in pain too, trying to fix him, trying to deal with all his problems. "You have my word." And he means it.


	16. Chapter 15

The next few days are not easy, but Kendall was never foolish enough to think that they would be. He's got a lot of inner demons to face, but he's ready to face them. He spends three days in the hospital on a psychiatric hold, but after the three days are up he's allowed to go home with the strict orders that he's to come in to see the therapist every day. Once a week Logan will attend a session with him, which is both comforting and scary at the same time for Kendall.

There's no miraculous change overnight, but as soon as he comes home from the hospital the other guys can see the determined look in Kendall's eyes. He forces food down his throat at each meal, even if he isn't hungry and a time or two he's even gone for ice cream with his friends. He gets into bed at a reasonable hour every night and the other guys sometimes come in and talk to him for a while until he falls asleep. It's a group effort, making sure Kendall doesn't spiral downward again. And if he does it goes unsaid that they'll help him find his way back.

The nightmares still come sometimes, and the guys are learning what to do and what not to do to help. It takes a huge weight off of Kendall to know that he's not alone in this and that Logan loves him enough to stick by him. Seeing the pain he caused his friends when he attempted suicide keeps him motivated, but most of all he remembers that look of devastation on Logan's face at the hospital and he knows that no matter how bad things get, he has to keep his promise.

While he hates talking to a stranger about the attack and about his emotions, going to therapy does seem to be helping him. He knows that it's a place he can go every day and talk about all the different things that go through his head and nobody will judge him. He starts to feel like he is finally on his way to healing and getting over what happened to him. But first there's one thing he knows he has to do.

Walking into that dimly lit room is one of the hardest things he's ever done. Everything in him is telling him to turn around and walk away, forget this whole stupid idea. But he thinks his recovery is depending on this moment and dammit, he promised Logan he'd get better. So he sits down in the chair and waits.

His palms are sweaty and he rubs them on the sides of his jeans. He shifts, crossing and uncrossing his leg at the knee, trying to get comfortable which is damn near impossible. He eyes the door, thinks once again about running. But he stays. His fingers anxiously toy with the hem of his red and black plaid shirt. This might end up being a horrible mistake but he's got to at least try. He breathes in, blows out a puff of air and looks up at the ceiling. He hears two sets of footsteps and he sits up straight. He's ready. He can do this.

The heavy door opens with a creak and Wesley is led in, dressed in the standard blue uniform, wrists firmly bound in handcuffs. The guard who is with him leads him to the table and cuffs him securely to it. Kendall wants to look anywhere but Wesley, but he will not show his fear. He keeps his eyes on the man he hates more than anything in the world. Wesley doesn't look back at him until they're seated and the guard has stepped just outside the room.

"What the hell did you want to see me for?" Wesley finally asks, leaning casually against the table he's handcuffed to. It gives Kendall a little relief to know that even though it's just the two of them in this room, Wesley can't hurt him. "Were you hoping for a conjugal visit?" he laughs.

Kendall feels nauseated, but he should have expected such behavior from this scumbag. He's careful not to show the disgust on his face. He starts to speak slowly, wanting to be precise and deliberate. There are so many things going through his head right now as he looks back at the face that haunts his dreams. "You don't win, Wesley." He says confidently, proud of himself for keeping his voice steady. He's glad Wesley can't see his hands, which are under the table and shaking like crazy. "You thought you did, but you don't win. You don't own me."

Wesley's kind of looking at him like he's lost his mind, but that's okay. "Kid, we have a TV in the rec room.I saw the news. You tried to off yourself and you're trying to tell me I didn't win? That I didn't get inside your head and fuck you up for life?" he laughs, shakes his head like Kendall's made a ridiculous joke.

"Yeah, what you did to me fucked me up a little bit." Kendall surprises himself by saying. "Because of it I lost myself for a while. But you can't control me anymore, because I won't let you." He's overwhelmed by a sudden rush of adrenaline, of strength. His jaw sets in determination and he looks Wesley right in the eye. "You and your friends did something pretty horrible to me that night. You raped me. You beat me within an inch of my life. You were hoping I'd die so there'd be one less faggot in the world, right? Or you were hoping that if I did survive you'd scare the gay right out of me." He shakes his head. "It doesn't work that way. You can't take away who I am, Wesley." It's a little scary, addressing this monster by name like this, making him a real person instead of just a generic villain. But this is empowering in ways he'd never imagined it would be. "For that one night, yeah, you won. But this is it, I'm taking back my life. _I win_." He spits out the last two words and Wesley's just sitting there looking a little stunned.

Kendall gets up and leaves before the other man can respond. He doesn't need an answer. He feels like he's finally taken away Wesley's power to hurt him and that's all he needs.


	17. Chapter 16

**Author's Note:** **Well, this is it! This will be the last chapter. I want to thank everyone who's reviewed this story so much. I'm so glad you have enjoyed my writing.**

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><p>Kendall steps up to the sink, turns the faucet on and splashes some cold water on his face. He's nervous and he knows it shows by the flush that's crept up over his neck, face and the tips of his ears. The water helps cool him down some. He takes a step backward and looks over his reflection critically. He looks the most decent he's looked in months, he thinks. The dark circles under his eyes are gone and he's put a little extra meat on his bones. He feels good. He's been sleeping normally, eating normally and the nightmares have mostly vanished except for the occasional one now and then. It hasn't been easy getting to the point he's at now, but with the love, support and help from his friends, his mom and Katie he feels 100% like Kendall again.<p>

His therapy sessions have scaled back to once a week by himself and then once a week with Logan. Logan's been amazing through all of this, and Kendall finds that it's been helpful to hear Logan speak at therapy and to see things through his eyes. It got hard sometimes, like when Logan had to speak about the time Kendall got too rough with him, or the time he hit him, or Kendall's suicide attempt. But as difficult as that's been, Kendall knows the sessions have brought them closer together and have made them stronger as a couple. He's so thankful he was forced to get help because not only did it save their relationship, but he knows it's saved him.

He fixes his collar, smoothes down his shirt and picks off a few pieces of lint. When he's satisfied that he looks presentable he turns to walk away and comes face to face with Logan, who's looking pretty good himself in a crisp button-down shirt under a jacket, complete with a tie. Kendall leans in to kiss him, fixing his tie. "Don't you look charming," he teases him.

"You look pretty great yourself," Logan grins, looking up and meeting Kendall's eyes. "You nervous?"

"Nervous as hell," Kendall admits with a nod.

"You know you don't have to do this, right?" Logan asks carefully but before the words are even fully out of his mouth Kendall is shaking his head.

"No, I do. I do have to do this. I want to," he assures him, giving Logan's hand a little squeeze. "I've got this, baby. You go and sit with Mom." They exchange a quick hug and another kiss before Logan disappears out of the bathroom. Kendall takes a deep breath and wills himself to just be calm. He can do this, he knows he can.

He leaves the bathroom and walks down the halls, smiling at a few of the people standing around. Someone leads him through a set of curtains. It's time. He waits, hears his name being introduced and steps out onto the stage. It feels strange and a little scary to be onstage without the other guys. He's never really been shy but he's not used to being in the spotlight alone and this is definitely the kind of situation where he would prefer them to be up here with him. But he has to do this alone. Still, his eyes scan the crowd and there they all are in the front row, along with his mom, Katie, Jo and Camille. They're all smiling at him and Jo gives him a thumbs up. They might not be on the stage with him but he can feel their support all the same and it means the world to him. He smiles back at all of them, stepping up to the podium. He tries not to think about how many people are sitting there in front of him waiting for him to speak. He tries to remember exactly what he wants to say. This might just be the most important thing he ever does and he doesn't want to screw it up.

"My name is Kendall Knight. You may know me from the band Big Time Rush. " He begins. He looks past his friends and out into the rest of the crowd. They're all hanging onto his every word, looking at him expectantly. "I'm also a survivor of rape." The words are never easy to speak out loud, but it's getting easier. Still this is the first time he's spoken about it to such a large group and for a minute he doesn't think he can do this. He's a little nauseous, a little light-headed. But no, he isn't walking off this stage, he tells himself. He breathes in and out slowly, once, then twice. Then he keeps going. "Six months ago, I was attacked by three men. I was beaten and raped and I would have died if a stranger hadn't come along and found me so quickly. It was without a doubt the worst experience of my life." He's finally able to talk about it now without breaking down. "I went into a deep depression." He shifts his weight from one leg to the other, looking out at the sympathetic faces in the crowd. "I didn't eat, couldn't sleep. I had nightmares. Finally I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills. "

He catches the eye of each of his friends. "I put the people I love through hell before I realized that even though I was in a lot of emotional pain I still wanted to live." He pauses, swallows hard. Giving this speech is getting a little easier, he thinks. "Dealing with the aftermath of being raped is something nobody should have to go through alone. I was too embarrassed to ask for help. Too ashamed. I didn't want anybody to know. At first I felt like it was my own fault. Maybe if I had been able to run faster, or fight harder. Maybe if I wasn't gay." He says these words quietly, even though he hadn't intended on speaking them. He hears a gasp from Logan, hears gasps from the crowd, then some murmurings amongst themselves. "But nothing gives anyone the right to beat and rape another person. Nothing." He says firmly. "It's never the victim's fault. It's about the other person needing power. And it's nothing to be ashamed of. "

"I was asked to speak today and at first I was going to turn it down. But then I realized how many boys and men there are who felt like I did. That real men don't get raped. They're too afraid to speak up. If coming here today and talking about what happened to me can get at least one person to speak up, report the rape and get help then I can turn my experience into a positive thing. These victims need to know that they're not alone. Thank you." He ducks his head a bit, giving a small nod. It's over, he did it. He steps away from the podium and through the curtains, barely having time to reflect on what just happened before he's being rushed from all directions. Logan, James, Carlos, Mom and Katie are all hugging him, telling him how proud they are of him.

As he hugs everyone there's laughter and some tears. People he doesn't know are coming up to him and shaking his hand, thanking him for his bravery. He doesn't feel that it's bravery, though. Photographers snap his picture, reporters ask for an interview. This isn't the kind of thing he'd ever hoped pr wanted to be famous for, but he's accepted that it's a part of his past now, a piece of what's made him who he is. He's learned to embrace it and use it to help others. His road to recovery has been long and hard, but he's finally there.


End file.
